Puck was at a loss of what to say anymore. What he’d needed was to get his anger out, and he’d done that. Now he just felt numb. Empty more than anything with a distinctive pain within his chest. No matter, he could never blame her for what had happened; it was something that neither of them had any control over, but that didn’t make it any easier to cope with. Their baby was gone, and that was the bottom line. Finally pulling away, he turned and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into his embrace and burying his face against her hair. “I’m so sorry, Quinn,” He whispered, clutching her tight against him. “So sorry…”

quinnfabrayhbic:

“I was kinda busy being doubled over in pain to make any rational decisions at the time.  I just didn’t think you’d want to be there and witness that.  It was horrible, Puck.  I wanted to spare you that.  I was the one going through it and if you had been there it would’ve been worse.”  She told him knowing it didn’t make sense and if she had a chance to take it back she would, maybe it would’ve been easier if he was there, but in her mind it told her it would be worse seeing how much pain he was in while she was going through her own pain.  Seeing him like this now was unbearable she wouldn’t have been able to handle his pain on top of hers then.  ”I don’t know why you don’t blame me, I blame me.  I’m the one that hated the timing of all this and I’m the one God was punishing when he took our baby away.  He knew I wasn’t grateful for his gift and he took it back, but I wanted this baby I really did you have to believe me.”  She pleaded with him.  She looked up nodding swallowing the lump in her throat thinking about her son, the little mess of blood and tissue that they wouldn’t let her see.  ”Our precious little baby boy, he’s gone and I miss him so much.  I don’t think I’m ever going to stop hurting.”  She moved closer to him wrapping her arms around his neck leaning into his back crying wanting to share this with him at last, their grieving over their baby.  ”I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, i know I should’ve.” 

“It’s not a matter of wanting to be there, Quinn. I should have been there. That’s the bottom line,” It wasn’t something anyone wanted to have to deal with; it was a horrible experience, but he should have been there anyway. It was there child. They both lost him. And he should have known it had happened long before now. “Don’t start the God bullshit,” He growled, shaking his head. The last thing he wanted to start dwelling on was whose fault this was and bringing that side of things into the mix. “It wasn’t your fault. You couldn’t help it and you couldn’t stop it. I don’t blame you. But that doesn’t make keeping this from me okay,” They’d had a perfect little boy, and he was gone. He’d been gone for two weeks now and he’d not even gotten to say goodbye properly. How could he be okay with that? How could he excuse that when it hurt so fucking bad? He didn’t lift his head from his knees as he felt her arms slide around him, wiping his tears on the fabric of his jeans. “Yeah…you should have.”

quinnfabrayhbic:

puckasaurusrex:

“Oh well that excuses it. That makes everything okay! Tell me, would you even have told me if I hadn’t have forced it from you Quinn? Were we just going to go a few months and then tell me when there obviously isn’t a baby? Just leave it for me to discover for myself?” Puck snarled at her, shaking his head angrily. “You think that’ll just solve it? Our baby is gone but we’ll replace it with the next?” He jaw was clenched furiously, his fingers curled into tight fists. “I should have been there! It’s not about wanting to be Quinn. I should have been there! That was our baby! Our baby! Our fucking baby!” He kicked over a table, it falling on it side, the lamp on it smashing before he slumped down onto the floor, hiding his face in his knees. “No one should have…you’re right. But it happened, and I should have been there. It wasn’t your right to dictate otherwise…”

“I was going to tell you while I was home, I swear I was. I just didn’t know how to. Every time I tried nothing came out and there was this ache in my heart and I couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t accept it to be real.  I don’t want this to be real.”   She bit her lips knowing that having another baby right now probably wouldn’t solve anything, but she ached to feel that baby move inside her.  She jumped back when the table flipped over and the lamp crashed to the floor.  ”I didn’t want you there, I thought you’d hate me, blame me, I was blaming myself enough.  I know you should’ve been there, I just thought it would be easier this way.  Do you know what happens when you have a miscarriage during your second trimester?  The baby’s essentially stillborn.  I was lucky he wasn’t far enough along that I had to actually give birth.  If he was just another week or two along I might have had to go through labor to give birth to a dead baby.  This was hard enough.  There was so much blood…so much pain…and there was nothing they could do.  I cried and pleaded, but it was too late…I couldn’t…they couldn’t.  I killed our baby…”  She said looking down sitting on the couch wanting to go to him to wrap her arms around him, but pretty sure he’d push her away. 

“That’s not good enough, Quinn. It’s just not good enough. You should have told me the second something even felt wrong and I would have been up there in a heartbeat,” Part of him was angry at himself, not just her, because he should have been there for her as well. He should have been holding her hand, stroking her hair, telling her everything would be okay, even when it wasn’t. But he hadn’t even been able to be with her when she needed him most. “Do you really think I’m that much of a monster, Quinn? I wouldn’t blame you! I’d have never blamed you! Just because something is hard doesn’t give you the right to make those decisions for me, to that away from me!” Lifting his head, he looked over at her, a lump in his throat he couldn’t swallow. “H-He? It…it was a boy?” It was hard to even comprehend it. A boy. A son. Their son. A little boy and he was gone. The few tears he’d been choking back, dripped down his cheeks and he buried his face back against his knees.

“Oh well that excuses it. That makes everything okay! Tell me, would you even have told me if I hadn’t have forced it from you Quinn? Were we just going to go a few months and then tell me when there obviously isn’t a baby? Just leave it for me to discover for myself?” Puck snarled at her, shaking his head angrily. “You think that’ll just solve it? Our baby is gone but we’ll replace it with the next?” He jaw was clenched furiously, his fingers curled into tight fists. “I should have been there! It’s not about wanting to be Quinn. I should have been there! That was our baby! Our baby! Our fucking baby!” He kicked over a table, it falling on it side, the lamp on it smashing before he slumped down onto the floor, hiding his face in his knees. “No one should have…you’re right. But it happened, and I should have been there. It wasn’t your right to dictate otherwise…”

quinnfabrayhbic:

His words were like a slap in her face.  She sucked in air as if she was punched in the gut by his words.  ”I loved this baby, it was my baby!  I just didn’t like the timing, but you know I was getting used to it and I wanted this baby just as much as you did.  Don’t you dare tell me I didn’t want this baby and that my feelings aren’t every bit as real as yours!”  She glared at him the anger starting to take over again, at least being angry was better than the pain.  ”You have no idea what I’ve been through the last few weeks!  I’m sorry I needed time to build the courage to tell you!”  She clenched her fists trying to keep the anger from bubbling over.  ”I know it was your baby and I wanted you to have those last few moments where you could be happy about this baby and not destroy you with the reality!  This has NOTHING to do with Josh, if he hadn’t been the one to find me bleeding and cramping he wouldn’t have known either!  He wanted to call you when I was in the hospital, but there was no need for you to see that.”  

“It was my baby too! But apparently that wasn’t a good enough reason for me to know that there was something wrong, that it wasn’t even there anymore! This isn’t something you take your time in telling Quinn!” Getting to his feet, his jaw gritted, his body flooded in anger before he turned back to her. “I would have had an idea if you’d fucking told me! You should have told me! Let me mourn my kid instead of…apartment searching and planning out a nursery for a baby that’s not even there!” He shouted, his eyes welling up again but he snarled in frustration. “Build me up just to let me fall further. Do you have any idea how fucking cruel that is, Quinn?” Resting his head against the wall, he squeezed his eyes shut. “For once he was right. You should have called. It should have been me there beside you.”

quinnfabrayhbic:

puckasaurusrex:

quinnfabrayhbic:

Quinn swallowed hard watching Puck’s expression he looked so hurt and she knew this was all her fault.  ”I’m so sorry, Puck, I didn’t want this to happen and I didn’t know how to tell you…”  Her temper had broke and now she just felt completely broken.  She sat on the couch tears running down her face.  ”It’s all my fault, I lost it and I can’t get it back and our baby is gone.  I’d give anything to feel it back inside me, but it’s empty.  Puck, why isn’t it there anymore?  Why don’t I feel our baby inside me anymore?”  She sobbed her hands covering her face.  

Puck didn’t know what to do, what to say. What could he say? It wasn’t like anything would make this any better. Nothing would bring the baby back. He just felt so empty and hurt. Josh knew about the loss of his baby before he did, when he should have known two weeks ago, other people were more informed than him. Hearing he was like an idiot, sitting at home, making plans, letting himself get built up and excited, when all the while it was over nothing. “Why didn’t you tell me?” He asked softly, staring ahead of him blankly. “I had every right to know but you just let me believe that we were still having a baby. You knew…knew how much…” He shook his head, pressing his head into his palm swallowing roughly. “You should have told me.”

She sighed looking up trying to choke back her sobs.  ”There were a few reasons.  One, I didn’t want to see you hurt.  Two, I didn’t want you to hate me for losing our baby.  Three, telling you would mean it happened and there was no going back.  I didn’t want to admit it to myself or make it real.”  She looked at him pleading and vulnerable.  ”Please don’t hate me.  I know it’s all my fault.  I was supposed to take care of it and I failed.  I didn’t protect it like I should’ve and now it’s gone and I would do anything to get it back.”  She wished there was something she could do or say to make it all okay again to make their baby be back inside her and go back to planning their future.  ”I know I should’ve told you, but how do you even begin to tell someone that?  Josh only knows because he’s the one that took me to the hospital.”  

Didn’t want to see him hurt? What a bullshit excuse that was. At least if he’d known when it had happened he could have done something; been there for her, grieved with her instead of going about with her letting him believe they were still having a baby. It just seemed…cruel. “Do anything to get it back? It’s not like you even wanted it in the first place,” The words were out before he could stop them, and he didn’t know if he even wanted to, because he was hurt and he was angry. It had nothing to do with the fact that she had lost the baby, that was a different story. What it was, was that she had hid it from him, she had lied about it and she’d kept something from him that she should have never kept from him. That fucking hurt. “You fucking say it Quinn! That was my baby too! I had every fucking right to know But instead you kept it like some dirty little secret between you and him!” The tears that had been stinging at his eyes he blinked back, letting his anger take over; his immediate response to being hurt. Anger masked everything, made hiding it all the easier.

quinnfabrayhbic:

Quinn swallowed hard watching Puck’s expression he looked so hurt and she knew this was all her fault.  ”I’m so sorry, Puck, I didn’t want this to happen and I didn’t know how to tell you…”  Her temper had broke and now she just felt completely broken.  She sat on the couch tears running down her face.  ”It’s all my fault, I lost it and I can’t get it back and our baby is gone.  I’d give anything to feel it back inside me, but it’s empty.  Puck, why isn’t it there anymore?  Why don’t I feel our baby inside me anymore?”  She sobbed her hands covering her face.  

Puck didn’t know what to do, what to say. What could he say? It wasn’t like anything would make this any better. Nothing would bring the baby back. He just felt so empty and hurt. Josh knew about the loss of his baby before he did, when he should have known two weeks ago, other people were more informed than him. Hearing he was like an idiot, sitting at home, making plans, letting himself get built up and excited, when all the while it was over nothing. “Why didn’t you tell me?” He asked softly, staring ahead of him blankly. “I had every right to know but you just let me believe that we were still having a baby. You knew…knew how much…” He shook his head, pressing his head into his palm swallowing roughly. “You should have told me.”

quinnfabrayhbic:

puckasaurusrex:

quinnfabrayhbic:

“Because…everything’s changed.  I didn’t want it to.  I don’t deserve to be close to you.”  She looked down hating this hating being close to him hating herself for wanting to be close to him.  He was going to hate her and she knew it.  He was going to blame her and he should.  Her eyes widened when she heard his accusations.  ”Wait, what?  No!  No…How…why?  You think I would cheat on you?” She stood up glaring at him.  ”I would NEVER cheat on you.  Wow, thanks for the confidence that you KNEW I would eventually cheat on you.”  She couldn’t believe the nerve that he had to think that she would do something like that, it hurt that he would jump to that conclusion before anything else.  Though, maybe it would’ve been easier if that was what she had to tell him.  

The last thing Puck wanted to think was that she was cheating on him, and it was a conclusion he’d tried not to jump to. But he’d wrecked his brains and the more she spoke, the more it seemed more likely. “Oh come on Quinn! What the fuck else am I suppose to think? You’re always talking to him, always so damn secretive. You’ve barely looked at me in two weeks and now you’re telling me something happened and he’s trying to get you to confess to whatever it is?” He wasn’t trying to hurt her, but he was hurting and surely she could see why he was thinking the way he was. Getting to his feet again, he pinched the bridge of his nose. “The odds aren’t exactly stacked in your favor, so if you’re looking to break up with me then just do it, because this whole…whatever this is between us, I can’t fucking deal with it anymore.”

She was getting frustrated now, couldn’t he see how much she was hurting how much this was killing her inside and still he just didn’t get it.  ”I’m not cheating on you I never would!”  She yelled at him trying to get him to understand that.  ”You want to know what I’m hiding?  You want to know why Josh is trying to get me to tell you?  I lost the baby okay, I had a miscarriage and I lost the baby.  It’s gone, there’s no baby…you happy now?”  She had said it and the tears were pouring down her cheeks, it was real now that she had said it and the pain was so much worse than the physical pain she had experienced.  

For the longest time, Puck just stood there, completely struck dumb. The words just wouldn’t sink in; his brain could not process them, it was in rebellion, refusing to accept that what she was saying was true. He would have preferred if she had been cheating on him. At least that way…that way there was something to fix or at least a way to bluntly call it quits for logical reasons. This…he didn’t know how to deal with this at all. She lost the baby. Not the baby, their baby. She’s lost it and she hadn’t even told him. For two weeks he’d been contenting himself with the idea of becoming a dad again, getting excited at the prospect even. Beth had been looking forward to being a big sister, hell he’d even raided through Beth’s old baby things to see what they had. He’d been building himself to find out just like that, that their baby was…gone. Staggering back into the chair, Puck slumped into it; the expression on his face more of shock that anything as he struggled to comprehend what was going on. “I…” He tried to croak out a formidable sentence but it all got stuck in the back of his throat. “It…it’s gone?”  

quinnfabrayhbic:

“Because…everything’s changed.  I didn’t want it to.  I don’t deserve to be close to you.”  She looked down hating this hating being close to him hating herself for wanting to be close to him.  He was going to hate her and she knew it.  He was going to blame her and he should.  Her eyes widened when she heard his accusations.  ”Wait, what?  No!  No…How…why?  You think I would cheat on you?” She stood up glaring at him.  ”I would NEVER cheat on you.  Wow, thanks for the confidence that you KNEW I would eventually cheat on you.”  She couldn’t believe the nerve that he had to think that she would do something like that, it hurt that he would jump to that conclusion before anything else.  Though, maybe it would’ve been easier if that was what she had to tell him.  

The last thing Puck wanted to think was that she was cheating on him, and it was a conclusion he’d tried not to jump to. But he’d wrecked his brains and the more she spoke, the more it seemed more likely. “Oh come on Quinn! What the fuck else am I suppose to think? You’re always talking to him, always so damn secretive. You’ve barely looked at me in two weeks and now you’re telling me something happened and he’s trying to get you to confess to whatever it is?” He wasn’t trying to hurt her, but he was hurting and surely she could see why he was thinking the way he was. Getting to his feet again, he pinched the bridge of his nose. “The odds aren’t exactly stacked in your favor, so if you’re looking to break up with me then just do it, because this whole…whatever this is between us, I can’t fucking deal with it anymore.”

quinnfabrayhbic:

puckasaurusrex:

quinnfabrayhbic:

She listened to him and she knew she’d been treating him that way, but she didn’t know what else to do, try harder to be happy when she had lost something so precious to her.  She didn’t deserve to be happy.  ”I do, Puck, you know I love you.  I love you so much and I want us to be normal again, I do.  I just don’t know how to do that right now.”  She bit her lip.  There was nothing normal about what she was feeling, but she didn’t know how to tell him what she needed to tell him.  ”You want to kiss and cuddle, we can do that, I can do that.”  She nodded reaching out for his hand.  ”Josh is just helping me with something, or he’s trying to, but what he’s offering will just make things worse.”  She sighed.  ”I don’t want to go back to college, i’d much rather be here.”  It was true, she used to love school, but now whenever she entered her dorm she remembered the pain and the blood and no matter how many times she washed her sheets she still thought she saw blood.  She eventually had to buy new sheets, but even that didn’t help.   

“Why is it so difficult, Quinn? I thought we were getting back to normal, back on the right track again. And it’s worse than ever. We don’t even fight! I mean, did I do something? Did something happen? Why is us being us so difficult?” Puck sighed, feeling defeated; they’d been scraping to keep this relationship for so long now, he just didn’t know if he had anymore fight in him. Especially when everything kept going downhill no matter what they did. “No, don’t…” He shook his head, pulling his hand away from her and stepping back, frowning. “I shouldn’t have to compromise and fight with you just to get the chance to hold my girlfriend,” He ran his fingers back over the top of his head, looking back over her. “Well what the fuck is he offering, Quinn? Huh? What’s going on? What is the big issue that means he can’t leave you alone for longer than five minutes?”

“No, you didn’t do anything, you’re perfect and amazing and I want to be close to you, I really do.”  She looked up at him her eyes pleading with him to understand and believe her.  She didn’t want to lose him, but she had a feeling no matter what she was going to.  Whether she pushed him too far away or told him the truth.  She didn’t know which was worse at this point.  She looked down hurt when he pulled his hand away from hers.  She wanted to give him what he wanted, but she knew her heart wasn’t in it, not when she didn’t feel worthy of his affection.  She took a deep breath when he asked about Josh and looked away from him.  ”He…He wants me to tell you something that happened a couple weeks ago, and I can’t because you’ll hate me.  He keeps telling me you need to know, but it’s only going to make things worse and I don’t even know how to tell you because I know it’s going to hurt you and I don’t want to see you hurt because it’s all my fault and I need to live with it.”  She rambled on knowing she wasn’t making sense. 

“Then why can’t you be close to me, Quinn? Why is it so hard?” He practically pleaded with her, wishing that she could just tell him why it was suddenly so hard to just be with him like they always had been. When Quinn went off on a tangent about how Josh wanted her to tell him something that happened a couple of weeks ago and how it would make things worse and his stomach sunk. The worst had happened hadn’t it? He’d been right all along in assuming that there was something going on between those two or was going to happen. “Fuckin hell…” He growled, sitting down on the arm of the chair, pressing his face into his hands. “You slept with him didn’t you? You and Josh. I fuckin knew something had happened…”

quinnfabrayhbic:

She listened to him and she knew she’d been treating him that way, but she didn’t know what else to do, try harder to be happy when she had lost something so precious to her.  She didn’t deserve to be happy.  ”I do, Puck, you know I love you.  I love you so much and I want us to be normal again, I do.  I just don’t know how to do that right now.”  She bit her lip.  There was nothing normal about what she was feeling, but she didn’t know how to tell him what she needed to tell him.  ”You want to kiss and cuddle, we can do that, I can do that.”  She nodded reaching out for his hand.  ”Josh is just helping me with something, or he’s trying to, but what he’s offering will just make things worse.”  She sighed.  ”I don’t want to go back to college, i’d much rather be here.”  It was true, she used to love school, but now whenever she entered her dorm she remembered the pain and the blood and no matter how many times she washed her sheets she still thought she saw blood.  She eventually had to buy new sheets, but even that didn’t help.   

“Why is it so difficult, Quinn? I thought we were getting back to normal, back on the right track again. And it’s worse than ever. We don’t even fight! I mean, did I do something? Did something happen? Why is us being us so difficult?” Puck sighed, feeling defeated; they’d been scraping to keep this relationship for so long now, he just didn’t know if he had anymore fight in him. Especially when everything kept going downhill no matter what they did. “No, don’t…” He shook his head, pulling his hand away from her and stepping back, frowning. “I shouldn’t have to compromise and fight with you just to get the chance to hold my girlfriend,” He ran his fingers back over the top of his head, looking back over her. “Well what the fuck is he offering, Quinn? Huh? What’s going on? What is the big issue that means he can’t leave you alone for longer than five minutes?”

quinnfabrayhbic:

puckasaurusrex:

quinnfabrayhbic:

puckasaurusrex:

Storming into the kitchen, Puck grabbed himself another soda from the fridge, puling it open and taking a few thirsty gulps, just needing something to distract himself with until his temper subsided. Making his way back into the living room, he put the can down on the table. “You know what I want Quinn? I want my girlfriend to actually act like my bloody girlfriend. Instead of some fucking stranger. I’d get more conversation out of someone I’d sit next to on the bus all because you’re too damn busy texting Josh,” He snapped, sitting back down on the couch, his face heavy with an unhappy scowl as he folded his arms across his chest. “You know what? It’s whatever. Text him if you want. I don’t care.”

She bit her lip and curled her legs up to her chest curling up at the edge of the couch.   Her hands went to her stomach again feeling nothing but emptiness there and it hurt her all the more.  She closed her eyes trying to stop the tears trying to not let this all get to her, get back to being numb.  When Puck returned she looked up at him with sad eyes.  ”If you want to talk we’ll talk.”  She picked up the remote and turned off the tv and made a show of turning off her phone too.  ”What do you want to talk about, I’m all yours.”  

It hurt; it really fucking hurt feeling like he was being completely blanked by Quinn and not knowing why. If he knew what he’d done wrong; why he’d made her angry enough to practically ignore him then he could go about trying to make amends. But the fact of the matter was, he had no idea what it was he was have meant to have done. Normally, when Puck was in the dog house, he knew why. It was like…she just didn’t want to be around him anymore. Be with him or Beth and fuck, that wasn’t a nice feeling. “You know what, Quinn. Don’t bother,” He growled, shaking his head, placing his fingers to his temple, squeezing his eyes shut. “I’m not going to force you to talk to me. Just…go back to Josh or whatever. I’m going to bed.”

She watched him pace around not going near her and it hurt a lot more than she thought it would.  This distance between them was unbearable.  She wanted to go to him and be wrapped up in his arms and feel loved again, but she knew she didn’t deserve that.  She deserved everything that he said to her or did to her.  She had lost their baby she didn’t deserve any love or comfort, she didn’t deserve him at all.  ”I told you, I was yours, what do you want from me, Puck?”  She wrapped her arms around herself squeezing her eyes shut not wanting to cry not wanting to let him know how much she was hurting.  

Puck didn’t know how to act with her when she was like this. It was like he was walking on eggshells and everything he did had the potential to hurt her or make things worse. Would she even let him hold her or kiss her? Did she even want him? Or was this distance just a hint of her wanting him gone from her because it sure as hell felt like it. “What do I want from you? I want to feel like your mine, Quinn, because lately it feels like you don’t even want me around anymore. After all the fight we put in to getting back this relationship it’s like you couldn’t give a shit,” He was masking his hurt with anger, letting it cover up how much this was annoying him because that’s what Puck did. He just wanted things to go back to normal, to be happy with her again. Instead of being stuck in this stoic rut. “I want you, Quinn. My girlfriend. I want the girl who looked at me and smiled like she actually loved me, who kissed me and cuddled with me on the couch while we watch shitty movies. Not some chick whose only interest is whoever is on the other end of her damn phone. Or whose biggest joy is getting to go back to college.”

quinnfabrayhbic:

puckasaurusrex:

Storming into the kitchen, Puck grabbed himself another soda from the fridge, puling it open and taking a few thirsty gulps, just needing something to distract himself with until his temper subsided. Making his way back into the living room, he put the can down on the table. “You know what I want Quinn? I want my girlfriend to actually act like my bloody girlfriend. Instead of some fucking stranger. I’d get more conversation out of someone I’d sit next to on the bus all because you’re too damn busy texting Josh,” He snapped, sitting back down on the couch, his face heavy with an unhappy scowl as he folded his arms across his chest. “You know what? It’s whatever. Text him if you want. I don’t care.”

She bit her lip and curled her legs up to her chest curling up at the edge of the couch.   Her hands went to her stomach again feeling nothing but emptiness there and it hurt her all the more.  She closed her eyes trying to stop the tears trying to not let this all get to her, get back to being numb.  When Puck returned she looked up at him with sad eyes.  ”If you want to talk we’ll talk.”  She picked up the remote and turned off the tv and made a show of turning off her phone too.  ”What do you want to talk about, I’m all yours.”  

It hurt; it really fucking hurt feeling like he was being completely blanked by Quinn and not knowing why. If he knew what he’d done wrong; why he’d made her angry enough to practically ignore him then he could go about trying to make amends. But the fact of the matter was, he had no idea what it was he was have meant to have done. Normally, when Puck was in the dog house, he knew why. It was like…she just didn’t want to be around him anymore. Be with him or Beth and fuck, that wasn’t a nice feeling. “You know what, Quinn. Don’t bother,” He growled, shaking his head, placing his fingers to his temple, squeezing his eyes shut. “I’m not going to force you to talk to me. Just…go back to Josh or whatever. I’m going to bed.”